Control your Anger, before it controls you

Anger sucks. The Medicinenet defines anger as “an emotional state that may range in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage”. Anger is also known to bring about physical effects such as raising of heart rate, blood pressure and the levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline in blood.

However, scientists believe like all emotions, anger too serves a purpose, typically alerting us that we are suffering from some form of distress. This is important, because although anger can be uncomfortable mentally and physically, it can also motivate us to address our underlying needs, desires, or perceived threats. It’s unprocessed anger that can lead to conflict, social isolation, problems at work, substance abuse, depression, shame, and even incarceration.

The founder of Anger Management Education in Chicago, psychologist Dr. Bernard Golden, in his latest book Overcoming Destructive Anger: Strategies That Work (John Hopkins University Press, 2016) discusses the factors that trigger anger, how it affects our bodies and minds, and what we can do to manage it effectively. Golden writing to Greater Good Science Centre, University of California, Berkley comments, “luckily, there are ways to maintain a healthy dose of anger without letting it rule you—whether you’re an average person trying to manage the stresses of everyday life or a star basketball player”.

The anatomy of anger

Not everyone processes anger by punching someone or being aggressive. Some people express anger passive-aggressively or direct their anger toward themselves; others deny their anger, or become silent and withdrawn. None of these are healthy reactions. But because many of us are predisposed toward anger—either because of our biology, how we were treated by others in the past, or what we observed from family members, partners, friends, or even the media—we may not have learned other ways to cope.

Anger usually begins with a triggering event that challenges your internal harmony and well-being. It may or may not be related to another person’s behavior—it could also be due to circumstances, such as a sudden illness. A trigger may involve a single negative event or a series of events that combine to affect your mood.

According to Golden “trigger can even be imaginary, based on something you anticipate happening in the future”.

Anger – a result of an unmet expectation

Whatever the trigger, how you respond to it is the result of a series of expectations you have about how people should behave or about how life should play out, some of which may be quite unrealistic. For example, you may feel that your friends should always be available to help when you need them, or that you should never have to feel the effects of aging. If you have these expectations, then experiencing the unavailability of a friend or arthritic pain in your joints may trigger you to respond in anger, observes Golden.

Anger can also result from how you choose to appraise a triggering event. You may think the event has a deeper, more general meaning. Golden exemplifies a typical family scenario in this regard. “When your spouse comes home late from work because of a traffic jam you may interpret it as uncaring or disrespectful. Being more aware of your thought processes here can help you avoid getting lost in stories of what your spouse’s behavior might mean”.

Usually, anger is a reaction to other uncomfortable feelings below the surface, such as hurt, disappointment, sadness, anxiety, embarrassment, or shame. Even if these uncomfortable emotions are not acknowledged in the moment, they may still be there.

“Sadly, too many people tend to want to flee these feelings before they fully understand them—and that’s where mindfulness comes in”, believes Golden.

Three skills for managing anger

Golden identifies mindfulness (and mindfulness meditation), self-compassion, and self-awareness as the three fundamental skills that are needed to manage anger in a healthier way—and to prevent it from turning destructive. How can these help?


Mindfulness and mindfulness meditation help you examine your own experiences without reacting to them or becoming overwhelmed. Practicing mindfulness and meditation can help teach you that your thoughts, feelings, and physical reactions are only temporary rather than a fixed part of who you are. This gives you increased freedom to choose how to react to them.

For example, through mindfulness—acceptance of your moment-to-moment experience—you may be able to say to yourself in a moment of anger, “This is a feeling I’m experiencing right now,” creating the sense that you are the observer and in control. This awareness allows you to ponder the choices available to you in responding to anger. It can also help you to be more accepting of your thoughts and feelings, so that you don’t have to push them away.

According to Golden, support for this comes from studies showing an association between mindfulness and the ability to differentiate between different emotions—an ability that, in turn, helps you better regulate negative emotions.

In a 2011 review of mindfulness research, authors Daphne Davis and Jeffrey Hayes of Pennsylvania State University found that mindfulness “predicts relationship satisfaction, ability to respond constructively to relationship stress, skill in identifying and communicating emotions to one’s partner, amount of relationship conflict, negativity, and empathy.” In addition, “people with higher trait mindfulness reported less emotional stress in response to relationship conflict and entered conflict discussion with less anger and anxiety.”


Once you are mindfully aware of your experiences, self-compassion involves being sensitive to your own suffering and accepting yourself without judgment, as well as seeing yourself as deserving of nurturing and care. It embodies neither self-pity nor self-indulgence, but rather a healthy affirmation of oneself. Practicing self-compassion allows you to recognize anger as a signal of underlying pain that must be addressed. Furthermore, it can help you to judge your emotions less harshly, another way to mitigate anger.

Research by self-compassion scholars, such as Kristen Neff, has shown that self-compassion increases emotional resilience and stability, and decreases negative self-evaluations, defensiveness and the need to see oneself as better than others.

In a series of studies on self-compassion, researchers found that “people high in self-compassion appear to cognize about negative events in ways that reduce their impact” and that “self-compassionate participants had more self-relevant thoughts that reflected self-kindness, common humanity, and mindful acceptance” than those who were low in self-compassion. All of this bodes well for decreasing anger.

When practiced together, mindfulness and self-compassion skills “reduce reactivity, strengthen autonomy, promote emotional sensitivity, enhance understanding of historical sources of our hurts, and provide guidelines for safe, effective communication,” says Harvey Aronson, author of Buddhist Practice on Western Ground.


There are other self-awareness skills that can help us look deeply into each experience and further our capacity for healthy anger. According to Golden filling out an anger log (after one has calmed down) to get him/her in touch with the types of situations that trigger anger for them and the feelings and thoughts that precede and follow a triggering event.

“The anger log can make you more skillful at altering the course of anger progression by giving you information about where you get stuck” claims Golden. By reviewing your thoughts and being open to new ways of thinking, as well as understanding your personal histories and emotions, you can learn how to be more compassionate for yourself and others.

A healthier kind of anger

Of course, one of the challenges to reducing unhealthy anger is that sometimes anger feels positive in the moment you experience it. Anger can give you a cortisol rush that makes you feel alive and energized. It can also help you avoid taking responsibility for your own decisions, since anger is a way of blaming others for your suffering. Plus, anger can temporarily give you what you want: It can distract you from pain and threatening feelings, while making others feel anxious or threatened, thus allowing you to gain the upper hand.

But regularly directing anger at someone is likely to make him or her less supportive of you in the long run and possibly withdraw, leaving you more isolated and vulnerable. Feeling and expressing anger frequently is a drain on your body and health—not to mention your work life and relationships.

If we make a commitment to ourselves to aim for healthier expressions of anger, we do a great service to ourselves and to others. Mindfulness, self-compassion, and self-awareness can lead us toward greater compassion for those around us, and to more authentic, happy relationships. It may take some discipline to look at anger this deeply, and there may be setbacks along the way. But, in the end, understanding and managing anger will lead to a more fulfilling and authentic life.


Bernard Golden’s Anger Management Strategies

Many people struggle with negative emotions. For your convenience, Bernard has compiled the following tips and tricks to help you manage your feelings and use your healthy anger.

* Deeply inhale and exhale 3 times when actually angry.
* Long before you are angry, learn and rehearse skills to calm your body and mind when you become angry. These can include practices in tensing and relaxing the muscles of your body, mindfulness and mindfulness meditation and self-compassion.
* Remember that anger almost always is a reaction to (and a distraction from) other negative emotions such as fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment, or hurt associated with rejection, being devalued, or feeling inadequate. Identify and focus on these reactions for better control.
* Recognize and replace unrealistic expectations you have for yourself and others – the need to be perfect, the need to be “right,” and other expectations you have regarding how you and others “should” be.
* Recognize certain of your “expectation” as a wish or hope that may or may not be satisfied– one that, unfortunately, may or may not be open for discussion and negotiation.
* Become aware of when you personalize conclusions that make you vulnerable to anger arousal. Think of at least 6 alternate reasons for the other person’s behavior instead of immediately trusting your first automatic conclusion.
* Remember that anger that feels “overly intense” may be tapping into our vulnerable “button”. This can lead us to revisit past experiences of hurt, shame, rejection, or a variety of negative emotions.
* Learn communication skills that include discussing anger and related negative emotions rather than taking actions that reflect your anger.
* With loved ones, adopt this major guideline for resolving conflict – agree to disagree for a period of time – agree ahead of time that either partner can request to shelve discussion of heated topics until you both can do so more calmly, whether it takes an hour, several hours, or a day.
* Find ways to access your most nurturing, supportive, objective self, and try to be compassionate with others and yourself.